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There were many times, however, my husband suspected despite my spy’s cover. His unconfirmed suspicions bedevil him and separate us. I did hurt him.For a long time, I thought I loved two men and hated one. Re-writing my diary, I realize I hated no one and there’s only one I loved and only one who loved me, my husband. Edward never loved me. With age’s perspective, I accept I was his Asian fetish doll, replaced by another.The clothes, jewelry, perfume; his guiding and applying makeup, painting my nails, combing my hair, his sexual transforming me were his playing with his Asian doll. He loved his doll, the doll he created and played with. That was his infatuation, not me. In all honesty, he never said he loved me. Why did I think he did? Because I loved being his Asian doll.He did change me. With the putty of my poor background, low self-esteem; my naivety, he re-constructed me into his fantasy. The clothes, jewelry, makeup, Porsche, trips to San Francisco; his Stanford internship,. We all got along and shared a camp fire and evening meal. I broke out the shots and Janet and Randy were hammered in no time.That night I fantasized about Janet as I did Connie; I’m sure she was thinking about RandyWE could hear them as their tent wasn’t too far awayIn the morning Connie and I were awakened by a vehicle leaving.As we prepared breakfast, Janet came out of her tent“Where did Randy go” Connie asked“Oh he has to work. He’ll be back this eveningConnie and I looked at each other surprised“He’s a mechanic and has to work SaturdaysWe spent the morning sunning and chatting. Connie broke out some beers, and then some tequila.I was as surprised as Janet when Connie pulled some $100 bills out of her purse“Janet, do you want to make some extra money: Connie asked“huh: Janet replied. “doing what?”“Why don’t you strip for us?’“Are you serious?”“yeah, how about one hundred?”“gee I don’t know”……………………“200”“in front of both of you?”“yeah…………..what do you think?” “I bet you could.
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